candas's Xanga

self worth

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 00:59:09 GMT

May God bless you this day to know your worth!

I am of no use to anyone or anything. Im a failure in my marriage, at my job, with my children, with making friends, in my ministry with God.

At sometime in our lives, each one of us knows the depth of feeling completely and absolutely worthless. There are expectations we dont meet. Goals, we dont reach. Dreams, we dont achieve. Life doesnt turn out the way we hoped. Were at that age and were still struggling to make ends meet, get through the day, keep it all together, or all of the above. And we wonder, Why doesnt God love me?

We have been called to reach out to others, care for them, and help them in their times of pain, fear and sorrow. But two things often happen for which we are seldom prepared. The first is when the others of our lives fail, suffer, become ill, panic, get laid off, or lose their marriages. We share their grief and with it, a sense of worthlessness. I remember once when some dear friends were heading straight into terrible trouble. I warned and counseled and begged and prayed, but they hit it like a brick wall and suffered terribly. I felt like Id been completely useless.

The second is when, after all of our efforts to love, encourage and build up those others, they turn on us. They put us down, dont stand up for us, or treat us as though we are strangers. Our friendship is easily exchanged for a relationship that promises more for what they can get out of it. It may be in terms of influence, prestige, or just to keep everything flowing one way down Make ME Feel Good Street.

But the thing is, God did not tell us to reach out only to those who will return the love, or care only for those who will stay our friends, or help only those who will at least say, Thank you. But when theres no love or friendship or even someone who will be nice, we eventually look inward to see if we were ever worthy to begin with. And far too often, we conclude that were not.

Jesus once said, Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Luke 12:6-7

Sparrows, then and now, are small birds usually found in great numbers. They get into everything, nest everywhere, are overly assertive when it come to possession and territory, and show little regard for anything not theirs. In many areas around the world they are regarded as nuisances and are trapped and killed in great numbers. To be blunt, they are among the jerks of the bird world. Yet Jesus tells us that God remembers and cares for even these jerky birds. And whats His point?

you are worth more than many sparrows

For each child of God, each true believer in Christ, each man, woman and child who follows Jesus, regardless of failure, unmet expectations (theirs and yours), unachieved goals, and broken dreams, regardless of it all, God sees us as being important to Him and having worth in His kingdom.

Ah, but at times these can seem to be only words. So how can we experience such worth? Hes already told us: Be completely humble, gentle, and patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Show proper respect to everyone. Pray continually and give thanks. Stand up for truth and in that truth, take a stand for Him and those He loves. Encourage others as long as it is called Today and urge them to live lives worthy of God. (John 13:34-35; 15:12-17; Romans 13:7; Galatians 5:22-26, Ephesians 4:2-4; Colossians 1:10-13; Hebrews 3:13; 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12; 1 Thessalonians 5:12-22; 1 Peter 2:17; 1 John 3:11; 4:7,11,21; 2 John 5)

Your worth is found not in the eyes of man, but in the heart of God.

(this is from a devotional that i subscribe to)

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 12:37:19 GMT

i've been told (again!) that i need to update.... why, i have no idea. i'm so bad at this, i was pretty sure nobody read it anymore... hehe..

well, life has been..... well, life, i guess. nothing amazingly interesting going on, nothing huge bad happening.. there are minor things, of course. there always are. like everyone else in the free world, i killed my diet so i could eat for thanksgiving. and the 4 days following. left-overs are so yummy. and, i felt not a shred of guilt... hahaha!!

there are things, however, that i feel guilty over. i won't go into those, but please keep me in your prayers. my walk with the Lord is not what it used to be, and i'm making more and more mistakes along the road....

so, a few months ago i somehow was convinced by a friend that i needed to pet-sit for someone- that i'd never met. well, as you know, i have an adorable sweetie of a dog, Skylar. i'm thinking, ok, this will be a test to determine how Sky will do with another dog, because i'd been thinking about getting her one. about 2 days later, this woman and 2 of her friends drop of this dog.. all i can say is. wow. this dog, Reba, is supposed to be the same type of dog as mine, a mini american eskimo... for starters, the poor thing is 12 years old, arthritic, and while standing only like an inch taller than my dog, weighs twice as much!!! yikes. see, my sweetie is VERY VERY VERY active. she's still a puppy. well, it was kinda like putting together a kinder-kid with a great-grandmother... lol. skylar chased, reba tried to run, but more like ambled along. i also find out that i'm supposed to have this dog for an undetermined amount of time, likely 4 months. WHAT!?!? ok.. i agreed to this... as Christian, keeping my word is very important to me. the woman leaves.. leaving the dog and nothing else. i'm thinking, food? leash? vet's number? heck, her number!! for some reason, i think i've just adopted a new dog. for good. lets move on down to like 2 days later..... when this "housebroken" dog has revealed to me that she is actually incontinent. my carpet is ruined. my BRAND NEW carpet. she has fought with my dog, making my sweet Skylar bleed. i hate to call this lady (who i finally got a number for) because i know that if i send Reba back to her, she will have her put down. what is a girl to do?!? pray for me- that i can have continued patience with this dog, and with the woman who sent her here.. i keep having super-mean thoughts.

alright so that's my rant on the dog... thanks for listening.

my baby sister has something called low-grade dysplasia. what that means is that there are some changes in the cells in her cervix.. and they will have to operate to remove what they call "pre-cancerous" cells. my 19 year old sister?? pre-cancerous?? let's just say i mildly freaked. not to her of course- don't want to freak her out. she's handled it quite well, says her dr. is wonderful. they've been battling this together for about 4 years now. my mother had the same thing- but she was diagnosed at about age 20 - and had to have a hysterectomy at 26. i told my sister that if the worst happened, i would carry children for her and her husband. apparently she wants THREE!!! see, i volunteered for this because she always said she didn't want any kids... hehe.. i thought i'd get out of it easy! oh well... she's in my constant prayers- i can't imagine not being able to have children. i wouldn't handle that so well.

gotta go work-- have a blessed day in Christ!!
<><

Monday, October 17, 2005

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 01:25:55 GMT

I thought I'd finally share a photo op from the wedding.... These were my beautiful bridesmaids.. consisting of my friend Amy (who was on crutches!), my 8 months preggo friend Melynda, then theres myself and my handsome groom, my baby sister, and my friend Ashley. Next picture... our unofficial "engagement photo", which was actually taken 2 days before the wedding! Came out kinda blurry because I had to scan it in, but you get the idea That's all for now...there are more if you visit my website link.. perhaps I'll actually "write" something tomorrow!

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 01:50:22 GMT

Take the quiz: "WHAT RELIGION BESTS SUITS YOU?"

True Christian
You are humble, gracious, kind and extremely Christ-like. You believe in the bible as your law, but read it in its original language. Perhaps you're not a scholar, but you're not an armature either. You normally don't feel church is acceptable for your form of worship, and if anyone believes different from you, you might try to learn something from them.

This was interesting... got it from Dan's site, not sure where it came from originally though. I scored 4 in the "true Christian" category, BUT I also scored 3 in the "Holy Roller".. haha.. unfortunately, I couldn't read what that said, but I have an idea...

<><

Friday, August 05, 2005

Fri, 05 Aug 2005 14:31:34 GMT

APPARENTLY i don't update enough... or so a few people have mentioned....

interesting thing, is that not many people seem to read this anymore, and so blogging doesn't quite feel like a good use of my time. or maybe blogging didn't feel like a good use of my time and i stopped and nobody read it because there was nothing to read?? vicious cycle, eh??

so, i'll try to keep it up better, and perhaps some good will come of it.

for starters, i lost my job July 21st. through (mostly) no fault of my own. i had had issues with the administrator since i started, but being the professional i am was able to work despite them, and be successful. however, right around my birthday they told me that our admin. was beign transferred to another community! my first thought, "hooray! thank you, Lord, for fixing the problem and making my job more enjoyable!" THEN they announced that the new admin. would be our current Nurse. "OH NO!! she hates me!" so... i leave for a long weekend, and come back on a tuesday. That day, something felt SO wrong to me there. i'd been unhappy in the job almost since i started, i didn't think the company was a very ethical one, and i didn't enjoy the many times they tried to get me to lie on something, so the results would come out favorably. so, that day, i called my mom and talked to her about my finding a new job, and asked her if she would help out some, and she said of course. then i went inside and while waiting for our new admin. to do a few things i'd been asking the old one to do for weeks, i played online and looked at new job ad's. (they made me stay in-office, and since i travel to work, i had nothing else to do...) and then a few hours later they come in and tell me that, "it just won't work out" i replied, "ok. i expected not, and i'm happy with that idea" and they discussed another property with me, but to their total shock i said i didn't want to work for them, and then i left! i think they expected a fuss or something, but i had already known. i was so blessed that God allowed me to understand beforehand that things were going down in a bad way, because then i was able to prepare myself, and be calm and Christian about it. if it had come as a surprise to me, i'm sure i wouldn't have been very nice about it.
i've been looking for a job, but i'm taking time and beign cautious. this last job, i took because it was the first one offered that looked decent, and it paid VERY well. now, im trying to make sure that i pray about it first, and take a job that i will be very happy in, and know that i belong there. i know it may take some time, but God will keep me afloat till then, and it will all work out for the very best. one of my favorite scriptures, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" runs through my mind about a hundred times a day lately. and i am comforted.

i spent the day with my best friend and her new son the other day!! what a miracle new life is!! i am so excited for her, and i am starting to get anxious to start my own family.. BUT, all in good time!! i'm nowhere near ready yet, i know that, and so for a long while i will live vicariously through Melynda and her son, Jordan the point of this way, though, not to toot the horn on babies (well, maybe a little...) but to talk of the amazing way that our Lord works. she and her husband have known each other since grade school, and dated for almost 4 years before they got married, both of them finishing school first, and she started grad-school (majoring in Psych. and Religion!) then, about 2 months into her marriage, she calls me and says shes a month pregnant! (they had opted against birth control, after MUCH research and meeting with like half a dozen Dr.'s they still couldn't prove that the pills didn't in essence cause miscarriages but thats another days tale...). anyway, i digress... my newly married friend had a son, and when he was born, she heard him cry once before they whisked him away to the NICU. she will not hear her son cry again, because he has a condition which causes his lower jaw to be recessed and that combined with a large cleft palate, makes it VERY difficult for him to breatheon his own. they had to put in a trach tube a few days later, as well as a feeding tube. Jordan is 3 months old now, and we spent the other day in the ER bc his feeding tube had come out. for the first time since the baby, i spent a whole day with my best friend, and came out so much wiser. Jordan has to be fed every 2 hours (4 is normal) through a tube, and it takes 30 minutes a feeding(10-15 is normal). he has to be suctioned several times an hour, as often as every 10-15 minutes sometimes, and this requires the toting around of a machien about the sixe of a diaper bag! as well as hooking him up to several different monitors when he sleeps, cleaning the wound areas a few times a day, changin trach's and etc etc many things i didn't completely understand. shes gotat least triple the work load of a new baby, he house is overflowing with med. supplies, she cant leave him with anyone who isn't specially trained, and so she can't go back to school, work or anything. they're both emotionally and physically drained. and yet, she is joyful. not once has she or will she ever say, "why me, Lord?" she is the most patient, understanding, compassionate and practical women i know. she is happy with her situation, and wouldn't trade it for anything. she knows that she was made for this, prepared for this, and that God CHOSE her to give Jordan the special care and love he needs. and it made me think, how many people are comfortable with their hardships? am i? if the Lord gave me something like that to handle, could i do it? i know that the Lord will never lay on us more than He knows we can handle, but do i have that same faith in myself? do you?

Monday, July 04, 2005

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 19:33:54 GMT

Happy Independance Day, everyone!!
This is a kinda weekly devo. that I get, from someone I met on a mission trip.. It's always good, but todays made me think a little bit. I just thought I'd share it with ya'll.. you may not find it as interesting as I did, and you may not share the same views.. but, its worth the 7.3 minutes to read it. I love you all..
May God bless you this day… with freedom!

Freedom. Does this word have real meaning for you, or is it nothing but another word?

At the Ciloa web site we maintain the Military Prayer List for those serving throughout the world. From time to time we are asked to put loved ones on the list where many can pray for their protection. About twice a month I look through the casualties to see if any have been killed. It can be an emotional task, looking at all of those young faces. And sometimes I wonder, Is the sacrifice really worth it?

The battle is ultimately about Freedom, theirs and ours. But many have some strange views of Freedom.

Self-reliance is the only road to true freedom, and being one's own person is its ultimate reward…Patricia Sampson. The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear...Aung San Suu Kyi. Real freedom lies in wildness, not in civilization…Charles Lindbergh. Freedom is a clear conscience…Periander. The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom…Justice William O. Douglas. Freedom, then, lies only in our innate human capacity to choose between different sorts of bondage, bondage to desire or self esteem, or bondage to the light that lightens all our lives…Sri Madhava. Freedom’s just another word for nothing else to lose…Kris Kristopherson.

Self-reliance, absence of fear, wildness, a clear conscience, to be left alone, the choice of bondage, nothing left to lose. Sound like Freedom to you? These don’t describe Freedom, but a self-centered desire to do “whatever I want” with little if any consequences. Mahatma Gandhi once defined Freedom as “the full expression of my personality.” But what if you’re a jerk?

There is a problem with focusing on personal, political and social freedoms. They fail to see the flaw that remains, the common bond that will destroy every notion of Freedom they advocate. Sin. Their “freedom” translates only into freedom from God, and that is why they fail. Where in this world does an individual have absolute Freedom, where a government protects it or a society acknowledges it? Where has the standard of Freedom not been riddled with the word Mine?

I was asked recently if I love the law. Because I’ve been in the legal profession for 27 years now, it seemed a natural question with a predictable answer. My answer, however, was a resolute, No. How can you love something that changes based on who is currently making the laws? And just look at recent decisions of the U.S. Supreme Court. Private business can now use local governments to take private property. In one state the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a public area, while in another they can. And what is the basis for such rulings? The personal feelings and desires of a few justices. The Rule of Law, which many claim to honor, has become nothing more than obedience to the courts. Does this foster Freedom? Perhaps they are simply exercising the full expression of their personalities.

The bottom line is this: Freedom cannot exist apart from God. When people are separated from Him, they will seek something else to worship. It may be a government, the Rule of Law, or themselves. But in every instance, sin and evil will ultimately define their ever-changing philosophies. Freedom…true Freedom…must be constant. And that can come from only one source.

The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.

Then [Jesus] rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, and he began by saying to them, Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing. Luke 4:18-21

As we celebrate Freedom, regardless of where we find ourselves or where we call home, may we look to the one true Freedom that can exist anywhere and everywhere…Freedom from sin in our lives…Freedom from evil that can control us…Freedom to love and be loved by the Creator of the Universe…the Freedom that only Christ can give.

Take care and be God’s

<>< Candas

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Sat, 11 Jun 2005 03:13:12 GMT

its been a while. i dont have much to say unfortunately.

egads. so, what does that say about my newly married life?

hmmm........

on the flip side, GOD IS SO GOOD!!!!!!!

Friday, April 01, 2005

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 21:47:47 GMT

i'm getting married SUNDAY!!

is that a thrill or what??

i'll post a picture...

xoxo

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 23:40:25 GMT

i think if I would update this more than once every few months, more people would read it. people used to read it. really they did. really.

"maiwage?" why does anybody think they want to get married? "wuv. tru wuv?"

i need to get another job. i will not lease apartments anymore. i can't bring myself to wait tables. i tried to nanny, got so sick i couldn't move for 2 weeks. im thinkin ill become an artist. or a pro snowboarder.

once upon a time, in a land far, far away.............

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Sun, 16 Jan 2005 17:55:27 GMT

wow. i updated my myspace page and my xanga all in one day. m-azing.

and i realized afterwards that the updates are polar opposites of each other. does this mean that i am bi-polar? i'm going to presume so. hehehe.

and yeah, im reading a book on sex. my "pre-marital counselor" reccommended it. in other words, my minister told me to go have great sex. (once i'm married.)